Positivity

That's always been something lacking in my life and happened to be the theme of Tuesday night- and boy has it made me change my outlook on life. Allison was in town for a few days and we met up with one of her old basketball teammates in North Park for some coffee.  The hour-long conversation that took place was filled with so much positivity despite the fact that we were essentially talking about how our lives were filled with uncertainty.

This was something so different from what I've been used to.  Usually I'm just mopey and depressed when things aren't going very well and the sadness and negativity spirals into this terrible crippling self doubt I can't escape.  I can never tell whether people around me know how low my esteem can get at times or how cynical and negative my thoughts can be, but a dash of apathy, a pinch of laziness, and mix in some instability and you'll get an emotional wreck.  I have a whole laundry list of things I don't like about myself, things I can't do, things I wish I could do if I were more able, etc.  I constantly worry about whether or not I will get into a grad program, whether I'm smart enough to do well, whether I'll ever figure out what exactly it is I want to do with my life, whether I'll ever succeed in life... the worrying just never ends. I've been a big ball of stress for quite some time due to all these fears and doubts that kept running around in my head.

In any case, how critical I was of myself in the past is not what I wanted to write about, and I just had to share this semi-epiphany and self realization I had Tuesday night that made me really want to change the way I looked at life and how I lived it.  I've decided to just stop overwhelming and stressing myself out all the time and just take things as they come along.  I'm going to be more positive with myself, get over that crippling self doubt and just focus on living a happier life doing what I want to do.

So there it is, my new resolution in life- be more positive.  Simple enough. Challenging enough. Wish me luck!